prophets, heart and life.

well the past week has been a pretty stock standard week here in herbert. So no day by day account. Just the interesting stuff.

On Thurday morning last week we met Mark and Annalise (my apologies for mis-spelling) for a session. They made amazing food for us. Just platters of it for just us guys. - another lesson in hospitality. Something they really excel at here in Herbert. Mark is an amazing guy, and a powerful man of God. We sat down and shared with him our hearts for the things that we belive God has for us and the world wide church. He shared some words of wisdom throughout, and when he prayed for each of us at the end he prophesyed something for each and every one of us. Whether it be something now or in the future we were all encouraged and further equipped to pursue relationship with the Lord.

For me this is some of what he told me:

"There is something blocking your relationship with God. This is part of your journey - to find it, and to remove it."
"While journey wil take you far it will cost you."
"You will be a leader, you are a leader."

Since then I have been informed by the Almighty that the thing blocking my relationship with Him is a complex issue. In the core of my heart I have found amazing arrogance, as well as a great dislike for myself. I do not know my identity. I do not know who I am. God is slowly revealing this to me, I have already taken a few steps with God on this road and am slowly discovering this, but I am by no means a long way down this road. The big one is my stone like face and identity that I present to people. I am not real with friends and family - only on rare occaisions will I truly level with someone about my situation. To the extent I have done this amazes me; I also have true regret because of the oppurtunities that have passed me by. Even throughout the years that Tom mentored me, there were so many things I didn't tell him. This is one of my biggest regrets because of the love that he always showed me, and how much wisdom he could have imparted, and how much God could have moved in my life. I have been a closed book for so long. Never being vulnerable to anyone but God. Always keeping my heart to myself and God. Always afraid of hurt and pain. It's a strange thing though. The reason I keep hearing from God to open my heart up to people is because he wants me to bless people through that. I don't get it; I keep getting told my heart is special, unique - and this is why (amoung other reasons I don't know, and others I do) God wants me to open up this book that is my heart. He believes it will strengthen my ministry, and it will help and bless people. Maybe one day I will understand why he wishes me to do this.

So here I must be obedient. I must open up my heart and let people in to see the real Tim. Because not many people have the entire picture of who I am. Even some people who think they may know and understand me through and through, may not. Here I promise to be real. Here I vow and commit to being vulnerable. Want to see my heart? Just ask and I shall lay it out on a plate for you, and it is my prayer that there may be something in my heart that I would be able to encourage and bless you with. Want to know how I struggled with identity? Ask. Want to know how I got through a severe case of terrible self-esteem, and found confidence to move out in? Ask. Want to know my battle with singleness and how God took hold of my life with both hands and saved my from my own desires and selfish ambitions? Ask, and I shall not refuse. But please don't ask for the sake of asking. Ask with the motivation to understand and grow and know God better, or to perhaps learn about a God that you don't know of. Because this is all my life is good for - allowing others to draw nearer and into a more intimate relationship with the living God. My life on it's own is nothing; but there is Jesus Christ, and He makes me significant; so may my signifance and my stories always and only reflect Him.